Love may bring two people together, but friendship is often what makes marriage enjoyable for the long journey.
As the years go by, it is possible for couples to remain deeply committed to each other while gradually losing the friendship that once made their relationship exciting. Life gets busy. Bills have to be paid, children need attention, work demands increase, meals need to be prepared, and countless responsibilities have to be managed.
Before you realize it, you may have become excellent roommates, co-parents, or household partners—but not necessarily good friends.
So, here is the question for today’s marriage check-up:
How healthy is the friendship in your marriage?
Roommates or Friends?
1. What Do You Talk About?
The roommate dynamic:
Most of your conversations revolve around bills, children, chores, schedules, errands, and other responsibilities.
A vibrant friendship:
You still talk about your dreams, ideas, opinions, jokes, memories, interests, and the things happening in each other’s personal world.
Marriage should be more than managing responsibilities together. There should still be room for conversations that have nothing to do with running the household.
2. How Do You Spend Time Together?
The roommate dynamic:
You may spend hours in the same room while each person is focused on a different screen or activity.
A vibrant friendship:
You intentionally create experiences together. You talk, laugh, play, take walks, go out, cook together, or simply enjoy being in each other’s company.
Friendship grows through shared experiences, not merely shared responsibilities.
3. Are You Still Curious About Each Other?
One of the easiest ways to lose friendship in marriage is to assume that you already know everything about your spouse.
The roommate dynamic:
You believe you know what your spouse thinks, feels, wants, and needs because you have been together for years.
A vibrant friendship:
You remain curious about the person your spouse is becoming. You want to know what they are thinking about, what they are hoping for, what is challenging them, and what they are excited about.
Your spouse is continually changing. Don’t stop getting to know them.
4. Try the “First Impression” Test
Ask yourself:
If I met this person today, outside the responsibilities of marriage, would I still be drawn to their personality?
The roommate dynamic:
You struggle to identify what you genuinely enjoy about your spouse beyond the fact that you share a home, children, finances, and responsibilities.
A vibrant friendship:
You still appreciate their humour, personality, perspective, character, and company.
You don’t have to recreate the early days of your relationship, but it is worth asking whether some of the things that originally made you enjoy each other are still present.
Three Ways to Rebuild the Friendship
If you realize that your marriage has become more functional than relational, don’t panic. Friendship can be rebuilt through intentional effort.
1. Try the 10-Minute No-Logistics Rule
Spend at least 10 minutes every day talking about something other than children, chores, bills, work, or schedules.
You could ask:
- “What’s been on your mind lately?”
- “What are you currently looking forward to?”
- “What’s something interesting you heard this week?”
- “How have you really been feeling lately?”
Ten intentional minutes of connection can create a meaningful difference over time.
2. Bring Back Play
Friendship needs fun.
Try something new together. Play a game. Take a walk. Cook together. Watch something funny. Visit somewhere new. Or revisit an activity you both enjoyed when you first met.
Not every interaction in marriage has to be serious or productive.
Sometimes, couples simply need to laugh together again.
3. Ask “Update” Questions
Don’t assume that the person you married years ago is exactly the same person today.
Ask questions that help you discover who your spouse is becoming:
- “What’s something you’re currently looking forward to?”
- “What’s been stressing you lately?”
- “Is there anything you’ve been thinking about that we haven’t talked about?”
- “What’s something you’ve been wanting to try?”
- “Is there anything you wish we did more often together?”
These questions create opportunities for deeper connection and remind both partners that they are still learning about each other.
The Marriage Check-Up Question
Are you still friends, or have you simply become good partners in running a household?
There is nothing wrong with being responsible partners. In fact, shared responsibility is an important part of a healthy marriage.
But marriage should be more than logistics.
Love may bring two people together. Commitment may keep them together. But friendship helps make the journey enjoyable.
And like every other important part of marriage, friendship requires intentional investment.
If you and your spouse need support in strengthening your relationship and family life, visit www.springoflife.com.ng to learn more about available support.
© Bunmi Olawunmi Adesina, Your Marriage & Family Therapist